I went to an Arab-American comedy night and there was a Muslim guy making a joke about being in high school football.

"I was hit so hard, I saw Jesus. Do you know how hard you have to be hit to see somebody else’s god?"

This is what jokes about religion are supposed to look like.

"I opened my mouth, almost said something. Almost. The rest of my life might have turned out differently if I had. But I didn’t."
- The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)


alternatives to “it was all just a dream”

  • it was all just a story the narrator heard somebody else tell on the bus
  • it was all just somebody rambling after getting their wisdom teeth out
  • it was all just a feature length puppet show
  • it was all just a set of cave paintings
  • it was all just a frighteningly elaborate set of instructions on the back of a microwaveable meal



I want to see a reality tv show where straight dudes have to read the shitty messages they send to women to their mothers.

to catch a redditor

    Ageing Potion:A potion that, depending on the amount taken, ages the drinker to various ages.
    Alihotsy Draught:A potion from the Alihotsy plant; causes hysteria.
    Amortentia:The world's strongest Love Potion; does not create real love, just powerful obsession.
    Angel's Trumpet Draught:Effects and usage of this potion are unknown.
    Anti-Paralysis Potion:A potion that heals paralysis.
    Antidote to Common Poisons:A potion that reverses the effects of common poisons.
    Antidote to Uncommon Poisons:A potion that reverses the effects of uncommon poisons.
    Antidote to Veritaserum:A potion that removes the effects of Veritaserum.
    Babbling Beverage:A potion that causes uncontrollable speaking of nonsense.
    Baneberry Potion:This potions effects are unknown; most likely a poison.
    Baruffio's Brain Elixir:A potion that apparently increases the taker's brain power.
    Beautification Potion:A potion that makes the taker very beautiful.
    Befuddlement Draught:A potion that makes the taker confused and reckless.
    Beguiling Bubbles:A Love Potion sold at Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes.
    Black Fire Potion:A potion that makes the taker able to move through black fire uninjured.
    Blemish BlitzerL:A potion that most likely gets rid of acne.
    Blood-Replenishing Potion:A potion that replenishes the taker's blood if they have been injured and lost blood.
    Bloodroot Potion:A poisonous potion.
    Bruise removal paste:A paste invented by Fred and George Weasley to remove bruises.
    Bulgeye Potion:Presumed to make the taker's eyes swell.
    Bundimun Pomade:A potion that is presumably a hair pomade containing Bundimun secretion.
    Bundimun Secretion:A magical substance that, when diluted, is known to be used in some magical cleaning products.
    Burn-healing paste:A thick paste used to heal burns.
    Burning Bitterroot Balm:Presumably a soothing balsam made from the Bitterroot plant.
    Calming DraughtA potion that calms the user of shock, trauma, etc.
    Caxambu Style Borborygmus Potion:Provokes stomach growling
    Cheese-Based Potions:Potions whose main ingredients are cheese.
    Chelidonium Miniscula:The effects of this potion are unknown.
    Confusing Concoction:A potion that confuses the taker.
    Cough Potion:A potion that soothes and reduces coughs.
    Cupid Crystals:A Love Potion sold at Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes.
    Cure for Boils:A potion that cures boils.
    Death-Cap Draught:Effects of this potion are unknown, but it is possibly a poison.
    Deflating Draught:A potion that deflates anything swollen by magical means.
    Developing Solution:A potion used in the developing of magical photographs, making them move.
    Dizziness Draught:A potion that makes the taker dizzy and lightheaded.
    Dogbane Potion:The effects of this potion are unknown, but it is possibly poisonous to dogs.
    Dogbreath Potion:Gives the drinker a fiery breath. Has a purple hue
    Doxycide:A solution that kills Doxys
    Dr. Ubbly's Oblivious Unction:Heals wounds given by thoughts.
    Dragon Poison:A poisonous potion most likely taken from dragons.
    Dragon Tonic:A tonic used to heal sickly dragons.
    Dragon dung fertiliser:A solution that helps Venomous Tentacula grow.
    Draught of Living Death:A potion that places the taker in a state of sleep that makes them seem like they are dead.
    Draught of Peace:A potion that relieves anxiety.
    Dreamless Sleep Potion:A potion that places the taker in a sleep that is dreamless.
    Drink of Despair:A potion that puts the taker in extreme pain.
    Drowsiness Draught:Makes drinker drowsy
    Elixir of Life:A potion created from the Philosopher's Stone that extend the taker's life.
    Elixir to Induce Euphoria:A potion that induces a sense of inexplicable, irrational happiness upon the drinker.
    Erumpent Potion:A potion that is highly explosive when it touches or is touched by an outside source.
    Everklena:A supposed cleaning product that produced more of what it was sprayed on.
    Essence of Dittany:A potion that regrows skin over a wound.
    Essence of Insanity (Possibly):A potion which presumably causes irrational behaviour, possibly inflicting the condition of insanity.
    Everlasting Elixirs:A potion with the effect to either never run out of potion or to work forever.
    Exploding Potion:A very volatile potion, and when completed, can be used to create explosions.
    Fake Protective Potions:A potion that claimed to protect the taker from Dark magic, but did not.
    Fatiguing Infusion:A potion that, when either drank or inhaled, caused fatigue.
    Felix Felicis (Also known as Liquid Luck):A magical potion that makes the taker successful in all their endeavors.
    Fergus Fungal Budge:A fungicidal product that treated ringworm infections on the feet.
    Fire Protection Potion:A potion that protects the taker from being burnt.
    Flesh-Eating Slug Repellent:A pesticide that repels flesh-eating slugs.
    Forgetfulness Potion:A potion that makes the taker forgetful.
    Frog Parts Mixture:A packet of potion ingredients that most likely contained frog parts.
    Fungiface Potion:A potion that makes the taker's face break out in fungi.
    Girding Potion:A potion that gives the taker extra endurance.
    Gregory's Unctuous Unction:A potion that causes the drinker to believe that whomever gave the potion to them is their best friend.
    Hair-Raising Potion:A potion that causes the taker's hair to stand on end.
    Hate Potion:A potion that shows the taker's worst traits and habits.
    Heartbreak Teardrops:A potion sold by Fred and George Weasley at Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes.
    Herbicide Potion:A potion that either kills or damages plants. Contains Flobberworm mucus, Horclump juice, and Spines of lionfish.
    Hiccoughing Solution:A potion that most likely cures hiccups.
    Invigoration Draught:A potion that is presumed to give the taker an energy boost.
    Invisibility Potion:A potion that makes the taker invisible.
    Jawbind Potion:A potion that induces lockjaw
    Kissing Concoction:A potion created by Fred and George Weasley sold at Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes.
    Laugh-inducing Potion:A potion that makes the taker laugh uncontrollably.
    Laxative Potion:A potion that is most likely a laxative.
    Love Potion:Any of a large number of potions that make the taker fall in love with the person that has given it to them.
    Love Potion Antidote:Antidote to love potions.
    Lung Clearing Potion:A potion whose effects are unknown; most likely cures the taker of lung infections.
    Magi-Me-More:Magical pills that allegedly allow the regaining power and concentration that some elderly wizards lose over the years.
    Madame Glossy's Silver Polish:A magical cleaning solution.
    Malevolent Mixture:A potion that is most likely a poison or produces other bad effects.
    Mandrake Restorative Draught:A potion made from Mandrakes that restores a person that has been petrified to their original state.
    Manegro Potion:Causes hair on drinker's head to grow out rapidly
    Maximum Turbo Farts Potion:presumably causes the drinker to rapidly develop flatulence
    Memory Potion:Enhances the drinker's memory
    Moonseed Poison:A poison made with moonseed
    Mopsus Potion:presumably gives one Seer-like power
    possibly the ability to manipulate objects telekinetically.
    Mouth Itching Antidote:Cures Mouth Itching (possibly)
    Muffling Draught:A potion most likely used to silence people and/or various objects
    Mrs. Scower's All-Purpose Magical Mess Remover:Removes stains
    Murtlap Essence:Soothes and heals painful cuts and abrasions
    Noxious Potion:Releases green clouds of smoke when completed. Exact effects are unknown, but it is possibly used as a poison.
    Oculus Potion:Restores the drinker's sight; Counteracts the Conjunctivitis Curse
    Pepperup Potion:Relieves and/or cures cold symptoms.
    Poison Antidote
    Polyjuice Potion:Temporarily transforms the drinker into another person. The drinker will take on the appearance of the person whose hair, fingernails, etc., are added to the potion. Not to be used for transforming into an animal.
    Pompion Potion:Temporarily turns the drinker's head into a pumpkin
    Quodpot solution:Prevents the Quod from exploding.
    Rano Potion
    Rat Spleen Mixture
    Rat tonic:Healing potion for rats.
    Regeneration Potion:Helps restore non-corporeal wizards to their bodies.
    Regerminating Potion:Forces the germination of a plant
    Replenishing Potion:A potion used to replenish
    Restoration Potion:Reverts spell effects.
    Revive Potion:Awakens an unconscious person
    Rudimentary Body Potion:Helps restore non-corporeal wizards to a rudimentary bodies/sustains rudimentary bodies
    Scintillation Solution:Unknown effect
    Screaming Snakes Hair Potion:A kind of hair potion, the exact effects of which are unknown
    Shrinking Solution:Causes the drinker to shrink
    Skele-Gro:Regrows missing bones
    Sleekeazy's Hair Potion:Makes hair more manageable
    Sleeping Draught:Made the drinker quickly fall into a deep but temporary sleep
    Snuffling Potion:Causes the drinker to sniff (possibly)
    Star Grass Salve:Healing potion for soothing injuries
    Strength Potion:Gives drinker increased strength; It may be related to the Strengthening Solution.
    Strengthening Solution:Presumably increases the strength of the one who drinks it; It may be related to the Strength Potion.
    Swelling Solution:Causes enlargement on contact
    Ten-Second Pimple Vanisher:Treats acne
    Thick golden potion:Healing, curse quarantining.
    Truth Serum:Makes the drinker tell the truth
    Twilight Moonbeams:Causes the drinker to become infatuated with the giver of the potion
    Venomous Tentacula Juice:Acts like a (non-fatal) poison
    Veritaserum:Forces the taker to tell the truth.
    Vitamix Potion:Gives energy to the drinker
    Volubilis Potion:Alters the drinker's voice
    Weakness Potion:Weakens the drinker
    Wideye Potion:Prevents the drinker from falling asleep. Also awakens from drugging or concussion.
    Wiggenweld Potion:Cures minor damage; Awakens a person from magically-induced sleep (and hence can cure Draught of Living Death).
    Wit-Sharpening Potion:Presumably enhances the clarity of thought of the drinker
    Wolfsbane Potion:Eases the symptoms of lycanthropy; prevents werewolves from losing their minds post-transformation.
    Wound-Cleaning Potion:Antiseptic


No I’m not smiling at you I’m smiling at your dog don’t look at me

    Me:I wanna do something
    Anxiety:No you dont


If only I was given a dollar for every time I made myself look stupid in front of a cute person